We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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