Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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