Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
