We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
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