Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
