my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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