My first STD was from a foam party
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
