Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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