life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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