I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i wish my penis had a tongue
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She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
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We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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