shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
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