My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize