Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I wear drunk well.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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