and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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