You made me cry and you don't even care
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
