Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
