i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Operation Purity has been aborted
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
