dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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