I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
smell my finger.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Randomize
