So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
