when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
