Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
