Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
