I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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