this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
