i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
