What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
