Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
