I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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