Even the bartender felt bad for me
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
he laminated a picture of his dick.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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