So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
