This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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