theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
