you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
