You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Is Oprah even human
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
