I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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