He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
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What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
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There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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