she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
