Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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