Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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