I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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