He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
