every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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