I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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