You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
