so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
