I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
