Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
