Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
