im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.