I love you!
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...