i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."