At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
