i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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