The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
