i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
