and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Randomize
