Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
