when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
