Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
