new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
