then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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